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[2-23-09 at 9pm] |
Inspired my ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) peterchayward 28 days 28 dollars, I hope I do not die project I have decided to embark on my own project in march. 31 days no sex, I hope I do not lose my boyfriend.
I have thought long and hard about this. I thought no sex, nothing no touching. Then I thought that's setting myself up for failure. So my only rule is simple. No sexual intercourse. No penis to vagina action. Should be easy enough. My boyfriend doesn't think so. In fact I feel like he is not so keen on the idea. In fact I think he may think I'm joking. March might be a rude shock to him.
I am going to document how this project affects my relationship. I am also hoping it gets us to think outside the square, inside the bedroom. Today i spent a few moments brousing the sexual help isles of a bookstore in westend. I found a book on the art of hand jobs it was a bit pricey though and when I went to give it a quick flick through, a man stood next to me and looked like he wanted to start an inappropriate conversation about my reading choice, so I put it back and made a quick get away. I will be back though. I may have to surrender other luxury's in order to appropriate resources through this project.
There is actually all kinds of sexual resources though. I hope to give you links and quotes from the many deviant things that i will have to read, for the project . We've moved past the "if it feels good do it" stage, there is now theories on whether back hand or the turn and twist is a better way to tackle the..well um yes.
I have a feeling this project will either leave my boyfriend and I sexually frustrated or it will take us on a sexually enlightened journey. The fact that my boyfriend isn't so much choosing to go on this journey as much as I am forcing it may make this journey a little one sided. I am hoping to have him read things and watch things and answer questionnaire's....hmmm we will see how that goes I guess.
Either way, I've managed to have a project where I can claim to not be having sex yet still get the weekly required dose of orgasms. Go me.
I don't know if photos will be appropriate for this project. I will endeavor to do something shiny per page though.
My updates will be weekly though, because as much as I would love to be having so much non-sex, that I could write a page about it everyday, due to my other commitments this will not be practical.
Here is to not dealing with pregnancy or condoms for a month!
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[6-15-08 at 6pm] |
Health: After Glandular and food poisoning, I still am in great shape :P Obviously it could be better, But I have joined a gym and after giving myself food poisoning with my last diet will try again this week and will not use chicken :P
Life:I have a form in front of me. Its for ceramics next semester. Its alot cheaper then I had expected. YAY.
Though it starts the day after I go to Sydney. Am I starting this course on the wrong foot by starting it a week later? Who knows.
I re-start uni at the start of next year with my good friend Rebbecca, its the way its meant to be. I started art with her back when I was a messed up 19 year old. Then I ran away from art and did some other stuff, came back to the art, somehow overtook her and started uni a year earlier then her. Then caught glandular and had to defer, I think all things will go well next year.
My brain is killing me lately, I am so freaked out about life. The glandular made me very depressed, a depression I hadn't had in a very long time. Its subsided though, so thats good.
I went to Sydney, which was awesome. Its left me confused as always but thats Sydney isn't it. It always gives me answers to questions I hadn't asked and makes me question things I told myself to leave alone :P
The dealio is work gave me a pay rise, they want me to give them a few solid years, which since I am doing uni is completely do-able. I feel homesick of Sydney again and after this next trip I'm going to have to avoid it for a while, just for self preservation. I keep having dreams about living there again, but dreams and reality are two different things.
I can't ask anyone to tell me what to do anymore I just have to do it I guess.
My heart is in Sydney in more ways then one, but I am stuck in Brisbane until I can prove to myself that I'm not a quitter.
Lets hope i can prove this :P
Finishing Uni, leaving my job with some awesome management skills and a letter of recommendation then going on to do a year in Europe with my best friend James. thats My four year goal.
I look at that goal and I want to fast forward to Europe, leave now never look back, but in the end, I'll be pining Sydney and Brisbane :P and still would have finished nothing.
Love: I have realized that I have always been far to naive in this area, hoping for knights, princes, towers, talking animals, and all those love will last forever things. I guess we have to go for what is now and not worry about what will happen in the future. Love isn't designed to last forever its designed to give our offspring the best chance for survival.There is all types of theory's on it, all of them smash my heart to pieces because I want that ever lasting love, that unconditional flying on magic carpets, slaying ferocious dragons and freezing to death in cold, cold, cold, super cold water, love :P
I'm starting to face that it wont happen, but i guess i still feel it might?
Eh who knows.
Impulsiveness needs to go. It really needs to go. With out it though, i don't think I'd do anything :(
lest i know this little widget loves me :- Introducing my baby frankie :P
And so you don't forget me
I'm so vain, you'd prolly think I wrote the post all about me...wait, I did :P
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[10-30-07 at 11pm] |
It feel like I only come here to brood and complain, things are going really well i'm about to finnish tafe and get into uni, i'm healthier then i have been in years, and my job fricken rocks.
My friends rule.
when life is i just can't write about it aswell, but just know that its great, and things are going well.
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| I'm not as messed up as you would assume. |
[9-21-07 at 10am] |
I’m a non religious virgin, which for a lot of people is hard to believe, especially with how vulgar I can be. I have a thousand excuses for why I am one, I like to believe it’s because I never get the opportunity. Which would suck I guess, but sadly it isn’t the case.
I have major trust issues, but only with my body. I’ll hand over my mind and soul for a smile. Smile at me and I’ll allow you to destroy my world, try to massage my clit though and you’ll be met with an icy chill.
We are all flawed and human, and I understand that, I use to think maybe I could hide my humanness under clothing, but I think people figured it out after I took off my tinfoil hat and stopped barking like a dog. So now I’m left completely ousted as a flawed human, yet I have kept a strong hold on being the ultimate frigid emo, which is kind of a cool nick name, but really is it one to be proud of? I don’t think so, sure being a slut gets you diseases but being a frigid emo keeps you in the isolated bubble of frustration, you don’t want to let anyone in because they will judge you, but you miss out on the best part, Judging them!
Ha ha No. You miss out on being simply human. What the hell does simply human mean? Well fucked if I know, I was trying to be aloof and poetic. Bite me!
The one thing that goes over my head in all almost sexy time situations is a time when I was seven (warning may get pretty fucked up don’t keep reading if you can’t handle it). My Mother and Father were having a fight because my dad was drunk and my mother wouldn’t fuck him, I wasn’t in the room or anything, I was sitting on my bed pressed up against the wall so I could hear them.
My father got nastier and nastier, and I remember all of what he said, I wont repeat it because I can’t even say what he said without crying so writing it down would probably make me vomit, but lets just say he thought the best way to get mum to have sex with him that night was by pointing out all the reasons he wouldn’t want to have sex with her. The words where then followed by the great mile stone of my mother becoming an abused wife statistic, he had never hit her before, and I don’t know why he went so mental over sex, but he broke her nose.
Now back then I couldn’t really comprehend anything he had actually said, the words were just sentences strung together in my head that kept swirling around, I guess having my mum come into my room to see if I was alright and seeing her face all fucked up just kinda shocked them into my memory, I didn’t actually start to comprehend anything he had said that night till puberty, it was then I felt sickened, but I think it was also for the best, I had spent the better half of my youth scared of my dad, and with comprehension came contempt and realizing all this man could do was kill me at the worst was kind of freeing, because I knew he wouldn’t do that, he had a reputation, a career, and fuck knows what else but all these things lead to a high probability that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and he wouldn’t kill me. Though these realizations weren’t good for schooling, ha ha, you win some you lose some.
Anyway so that first fight, it was all over sex, I’m sure there was more going on, I was seven, my sister was two, they both worked in the army fulltime, and life was probably a little stressful. I wasn’t his child, though I didn’t find that out until a bit further down the track. As I realised tonight after talking to the great J.A, I’m looking for someone to trust, but humans aren’t to be trusted because they are to frigen emotional. But that isn’t a bad thing, because you get to know people enough to know where their flaws are and you accept them, if they are a cheater and you know it you accept it, if they love to gossip meh, you accept it, people aren’t perfect and it’s nice.
That night has affected a whole bunch of my life though, well mainly the sexing part, well it hasn’t affected it as much as completely voided it, nothing a blog couldn’t though, ha ha. Now the question is do I just take the leap? Is it even a leap, I’m one of the most emotionally turbulent, yet strong at the same time people I know, I’ve dealt with family suicides, abuse, deceit, mental break downs and a severe love of sugar, ok maybe I haven’t dealt with the sugar abuse yet, but seriously will sex actually destroy me? I see no logic behind my logic…is that even logical? Gah to fuck or not to fuck that is the question my friends, that is the question.
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| Give me a tall man with an addictive personality and loooooong memory. |
[9-21-07 at 10am] |
I have little to no luck when it comes to love and while it bothers me it doesn’t bother me to the point where I have ever let my standards slip. I grew up in a household with two very angry people, who at a moment of weakness both allowed their standards to slip and they married each other. Now I was born out of wed lock and the person who brought me up did not supply the sperm that busted its move in on the egg that my mother just happened to ovulate. No the person who brought me up was a deeply emotionally destroyed man, who I must say has improved with age and I have no doubt will turn out fine, he did father a child with my mother who has turned out to be one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever had the chance to grow up with, people say you can choose your friends but not your family, I don’t think that’s correct, I have friends who I hang out with and think “fuck I hate you, you bring out the very worst in me, but fuck I love you as well” I don’t think any relationship is a choice, it’s a chemical mind field and they all want to destroy you, but just hang on because its things like this that make life interesting. When I was younger I was scared my sister was an idiot, she would only eat chips and the crust of meat pies, leaving a pile of meat on the side of her plate every night. She approached eleven with out grasping how to tie a shoelace, and would refuse to read or write, she loved fashion. It scared me deeply, I would watch my broken mess of a family, Dad, Mum and my sister interact happily on the lounge room three seater while I sat all in black my face powdered white wearing the biggest grimace my face could muster, and wonder “I am I really the problem, why can’t I relate to these people, she’s an idiot(I was referring to my sister), he is an alcoholic who beats me then buys we something the next day to ease his guilt, and she(I am now referring to my mother) is the most emotionally crippling person that I have ever dealt with, yet I’m the one sitting on this couch looking into my family being happy with the frown, they should all be frowning and looking at me, I’m the well adjusted one damn it look at me!!! The black is for my individuality!!! Damn you!” *. Anyway time wore on and she became a little weirder, and then Harry potter was written which I don’t care what anyone says about it this series got my sister reading which got her reading decent interesting things as well, so I like to think of the Harry potter series as the gateway to intelligence. My sister now comes up with the most creative ideas and is learning to execute them just as creatively. I’m so off track now aren’t I? This blog was going to be all about how cool interacting with humans on all levels is and now I’m praising my sister, who of course deserves it, but Jesus keep on track. My parents are now with people they should have waited for, they split up a while a go and did the dating thing which as a teenager disgusted the shit out of me, I figure if your old and divorced cut your losses and just start knitting or something, because old people looking for sexy times made my spine shake uncontrollably, now that I’m nearing being old it doesn’t so much, not that I really actively look for sexy times, but I’m starting to try so that’s at least a boost in the right direction I guess. Anyway off track again, I’m starting to think that maybe this blog never had a track,…I think it was about love, to people who know me, they know that love is a huge part of my existence, it drives me forward, which is odd because I haven’t had any actual huge love filled relationships, most of my friendships are caught between friendship and lover, never actually getting to the lover stage due to never quite leaving the friendship stage, its just another deeper level to be with people, you get responsibilities you don’t get with just friendship but you don’t have to put up with all the shit of having a lover. It’s nice it’s comforting, it confuses the fuck out of everyone who meets me until they find them selves entwined in it, and the confusion doesn’t leave though acceptance just takes over.
So in conclusion I’m quite happy to wait, not for anyone specific just someone I can relate to and enjoy life with, and someone I can hate lots of people with also, sure I could get bored and grab the next loser who tries to grab my tit while drunk, we could have some babies and emotionally fuck with them till they are old enough to hate us with such ferocity that I hope to god they haven’t made guns legal or I know I’ll cope a bullet to my head while I sleep, sure they’ll be creative and have an awesome out look on life, but my life will be destroyed, and till the day I can’t afford an abortion and have to actually go through with giving birth I have to look out for making my life as enjoyable to be as it possibly can, and trying to make a family with a no brained fuck wit because I want to feel loved isn’t what I have in mind, and it makes me sick that others aren’t thinking like that, are you really happy with that guy you can’t talk to? Who has no idea about anything about you and doesn’t even want to either? Sure his cock is huge and I’m sure he knows how to use it, but how long does that really last? In short I hate you all. Ha ha, kidding I don’t hate you all I just don’t understand a lot of you, well not actually you, actually the people that will read this I know you, and I think you fucking rock and you know that, but you don’t think like the morons I’m addressing, the morons that will never read this drivel, not only because they can’t read but because I can’t be bothered making paragraphs. Once again I’ve sidestepped around turning my younger years into a comedic blog…damn it, it will happen I promise, maybe I’m just not ready to let you laugh at it, or maybe it’s just not funny. Wait, no its funny, everything is funny, but only if you’re a sick fuck so hurry um and become one.
*Disclaimer: I probably didn’t actually think the phrase “I’m the well adjusted one damn it look at me!!! The black is for my individuality!!! Damn you!” at that period of my life, it may have been more along the lines of “boo hoo, know one gets me, I wish I could kill myself, but know one would care anyway, and I’m allergic to pain”
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| cross-posted in http://rottenbastards.blogspot.com/ |
[6-16-07 at 3pm] |
I might actually turn this into an on going comic, the mischief god could get into as a human is endless.
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“What’s going on?”
“Look we need you to calm down and leave, everything will be ok”
Norm left the operating room, two male nurses dragging him, he only got one last glance at his wife and crowning daughter before being sat in the purple and green waiting room. Less then an hour had past when Dr. Seagle approached him with apologetic eyes. Norm jumped up, he had pins and needles in his left leg it only hit him now how heavily he had been leaning on it.
“I need you to sit down again Mr.Stenthol”
“I’ll sit after I get to see my wife and daughter”
“Please sit Mr. Stenthol, this isn’t going to be easy for either of us” Norm sat down, his gut instantly knew what his brain was desperately trying to keep out.” there were complications with your baby, the cord wrapped around her neck, and while we were trying to fix that your wife went into cardiac arrest, we did all we could, but in the end neither of them pulled though, I’m so sorry, You can go see your wife now if you want. We have a councilor on hand if you need someone to talk to”
All Norm could muster was to wave the doctor away, he waited a few minutes then slowly left the hospital, he should have gone and seen his wife and daughter, but what was the point? He hadn’t met his daughter before, and seeing his wife dead wasn’t going to stop the burning sensation surging through his body. He contemplated walking straight into the peak hour traffic, but he had enough traumas for one day, if it failed to kill him it would be all too much to handle. He walked over to the new station wagon he and his wife had purchased two weeks before, he kicked it till his toes bleed. This car represented the excitement of starting a family, now in just over an hour he was completely alone and supporting the loan of a stupid symbol of family mobility! He got in to the car checked the back window for any obstructions catching the baby seat in the corner of his eye.
“Fuck this; I’m going to a bottle’O”
Norm purchased two bottles of vodka, 4 liters of lemonade and a bottle of raspberry cordial. He wanted to get smashed out of his head and couldn’t help but think doing it with the tastiest mix ever would make it feel a little less stupid as a self medicating grief suppressor.
Sitting in the now trashed nursery Norm was half way through his 2nd bottle of vodka and trying to cut his wrists with a baby monitor.
“Fuck yous you schtoopid FARKING god!, Hows bouth yous try ant be FARKIN HUMAN! Fucking takes my fucking family! Not only do I’ve FARKING noth Bewieab in you I’m FARKING HATE YOU!! Fucking take me you gutless bastard! No even worse be ME! I fucking DARE you!! Yous couldn’th handles eeeeet! Your nofing but a gutless murderous basturd !!!!FARK YOU!!!” Norm shouted fists raised to the mobile over the now shattered cot. “FARK YOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Norm lay over the broken cot past out, supporting a rather large bruise on his wrist from bashing the baby monitor at it for the past 3 hours.
It was then the great almighty took Norms challenge spiriting Norms soul to heaven and securing himself in to the 32 year olds slightly balding but fairly fit body. He would lie and say he was doing it to teach Norm a lesson but in reality he was bored and felt it would be cool to hang out on earth for a while.
“Fuck! No wonder humans are so depressed all the time, this feels like hell!, I can hardly see through this headache, my tongue is trying to choke me and my wrist really hurts!” God who was now in Norm’s body struggled to his feet, the whole standing concept took a while to really sink in after falling over several times he managed to take his first steps in his new body. Now for all Gods omnipresent qualities the one thing he hadn’t counted on when he went ahead with this idea was the fact he was now only human, he had the knowledge since time began…but that was it. Fear-Once a foreign concept, now pulsing at his temple, the only way he was getting back was to kill this body, but he couldn’t kill himself or Lucifer would get him. Mental silence fell over him, had he finally fallen for Lucifer’s plan of universal domination!
“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, though its not all bad, hells not as bad as the church makes out, but I so like sleeping on clouds…maybe I could bargain with him? Ok, wait, how about I stop worrying about this and go have some fun…Or a shower and brush my teeth…Fuck humans stink!”
It took god three hours to shower, brush his teeth and get dressed, the delightful feeling of water hitting his body gave god his first orgasm which left him blushing in pleasure he now wished the stupid church hadn’t banned masturbation, he even started wondering why humans left the house at all. The strong minty flavour and the chisha chisha chisha of the brush over his teeth left his gums raw and bleeding as he brushed them through 7 B105 hit songs. He stepped out of the bathroom wearing a towel that had a small amount of Velcro to keep it firmly attached around the waist.
Marco, Norms best friend was beating the door, he had been there for around 10 minutes and was getting scared his mate may have done something really stupid. God opened the door and greeted Marco.
“Hey Marco, Look its god here, Norm dared me to swap with him and I did it, you don’t have to worry about him I’m fairly sure that he is up in heaven getting to know his daughter and hanging out with his wife, not that I would really know since I didn’t realise doing this would take away my omnipresent-ness, which really I should have, but I guess even god is fallible, look how destructive I made your lot.”
Marco didn’t know whether to take his mate to the hospital or see where else this psychotic episode was going to lead. He opted for the later brandishing beers and pushing his way through the door before heading for the couch.
“Look mate, you’ve just had a rough 24 hours I don’t know where this god bullshit is coming from, I didn’t even know You believed in him, how about we have some beers relax and we’ll try and sort things out, Number one thing though, why did you leave the hospital with out calling anyone, the Doctor had to ring Stephs mum, who rang your mum, who rang me, What did you do last night?”
“I really am god, Norm didn’t know what else to do he was in shock he left and started drinking in order to numb the pain, don’t really blame him being human is pretty painful, my head and wrist still hurt!”
“Ok I’ll call you god, whatever, could you at least put some pants on I can see your testicles!”
God blushed instantly feeling a little shameful for his decision to wear a towel as clothing, at the time it felt like the right idea, it was cool and comfortable, he now realised there was more to clothing then comfort. He headed back out to the couch after slipping into some dark green track pants and a bright pink blouse with some beautiful flower designs embroidered over the chest.
“Bah hahahahahahahahahahahha, what are you doing wearing stephs shirt! Ahahahaahahahah”
“What this? I thought it looked nice”
“Ok, “God”, would you like a beer?”
“Yes thanks”
“Ha, got you, God doesn’t drink!”
“How would you know?”
“It says so in the bible”
“Oh for fucks sake, don’t blame me for that pile of dribble, I gave you free will remember don’t blame me for people being stupid enough to believe that shit.”
“What?”
“its all the prophets faults, I use to try and have philosophical discussions with them, they always took it to far though, trying to rule though my hypothetical laws, it was meant to be light banter not castrating system!, That’s why I haven’t tried to contact you idiots for so long you take every little thing I say and start torturing each other with it, it really is frightful!”
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| cross posted in myspace...i don't know why i'm doing this, i really should let livejournal go |
[6-16-07 at 12am] |
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I keep feeling that people don't believe in me. Even when I find random notes in my bag from friends telling me wonderful things like "I think UR the coolest". In fact so many people believe in me its mind boggling. The problem is I don't believe in there ability to believe in me. I'm not saying I think my friends are idiots, but in the stance of who knows me the most, I treat them as such. I'm sure they know me better then me; I'm too absorbed in narsistic thoughts to have a firm grip on any rational thoughts of myself. Next time I receive a compliment I'm going to try and accept it, truly accept it, not just think "thanks for pretending to think I'm cool" more like "thanks". That’s it. People aren’t out to get me like I think they are. Why would they bother, they have themselves to think about. I get caught up in all the silly details...which artistically it may not seem like I do but even to my huge free flowing faces I have gotten the tiniest brushes and worked into it with such non-needed detail driven madness. I'm self sabotaging the flow of a life that could be lead in a fun, optimistic and successful way by lurking in self-loathing pity and blaming past events on future actions. I'm taking responsibility for now, like I guilt the people around me into doing. I'm like a mother who wanted to dance but instead made her daughter do it instead. I stand around tuting at my friends and showing them how to better manage their lives while I wade around in my own filth not knowing where to start, or even if it’s possible. Though the people around me never cease to amaze me, they change for the better everyday. They have chosen me as their friend, so maybe I am capable of a change, not a fad, but an actual change for the better. A healthier mind, a healthier body and hopefully a healthier car...ok that last bits a joke...Burt the laser is fine! I kinda started the change a month and a bit ago after a zombie movie scared me into going to the gym, now I go nearly every day and feel better for it…I’d feel even better if I sat down and wrote the 6 reviews and semiotic paper that were due two weeks ago, but instead I’m writing this out of my head instead. Tomorrow will be the day of review writing and Sunday can be dedicated to semiotics…lucky I’m not religious or god would smite me for working on a Sunday…though technically shouldn’t he smite me for not being religious? Ok perhaps that’s a topic for another night I really need to get to sleep. If you read that…Um sorry for verbally vomiting all over your eyes, but really you should have some more self-control next time, it’s your life, take charge!
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| cross posted in myspaz land |
[6-12-07 at 4pm] |
Soulla (the wife) and I went out last night to smoke some straight pole… Though by 12:30am that looked impossible since the gays had taken over and kept taking us from gay bar to gay bar…2 and half hours we still hadn't seen any remotely straight pole, much less had a chance to smoke it. I took action like only I could, I started chanting "I want to smoke some straight pole" this action made the gays cringe with embarrassment so they decided to take us to the mustang on the proviso we come back to the gay hub of dancing at 3am. Off we trotted to the straight bar, it was amazing, it was made for breeding, the music was at a level you could talk over it…even on the dance floor, it was hot so the place smelt of warm beer burps and pheromones and the light was bright enough for everyone to be visible yet not distinguishable.
The only problem was the fact we had been dancing with super hot well groomed men, now we were dancing with smelly not so hot men, that's the price for liking the cock and being a girl I guess. Not long in, a small blonde haired English bloke asked Soulla and I if we would like to talk to his friends…it was like being in high school, I felt young and alive again! Before we could stop laughing his two friends came over and started chatting to us. Blocking the little fella out of the picture, I can only assume this is some kind of male pack thing. After a short intro and chat the guys started wrestling, this was a little weird but Soulla filled me into the fact that men do this to show us how manly and strong they are. Before Soulla and I could stop laughing they had finished there manly display and were back to talking to us, The guy I was talking to started telling me how much Australia sucks and how backward we were…which to tell you the truth was kind of hot, it only got hotter as he started to tell me the price of everything he was wearing, made smoking by the look on his face when I told him everything I was wearing cost less then his shoes.
This completely thrilling conversation was cut short when I looked behind me to see a guy in a brown shirt chasing James with a fist, I ran between brown shirted throw back and James to try and diffuse the situation, James then started telling me what was going on which caused a flock of beer breathed throw backs to then try and save me from him. This gang up on the "big gay" in a straight club in this day and age is fucking disgraceful! When we got him out of there and into a taxi, James told me what happened up to me seeing brown shirted throw back chasing him. James was dancing with a very attractive girl on a podium and some throw back tried to pull him off to dance with said girl, neither the Girl or James wanted that option so they kept dancing , then a bottle hit James in the head, it hurt but James isn't a fighter (even though he is 6ftsomething and 3 foot across the shoulders) so he kept on dancing, this enraged the non-pole smoking throwback so he grabbed James' legs and pulled him off the podium, James narrowly missed having his head cracked open on the podium, yet still didn't fight back, just got up and moved away. What kind of "MAN" after repetitive violence with nothing in return keeps going at someone?
Other then that the night was awesome…except for no straight pole was smoked.
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[6-8-07 at 11pm] |
I feel I'm drowning.
I feel even if I were to lose weight it wouldn't solve anything.
I feel I'm the biggest stupidest loser on the face of the planet.
I feel ugly and shit.
I feel every breath I take iritates the people around me.
I feel I'm a retard but know one will tell me.
I feel everyone is in on a big joke and its to do with me being a retard.
I feel like killing myself.
I feel that isn't the asnwer either.
I feel so lost and confused.
I feel lonely and empty.
I feel traped and sedated.
I feel edgy.
I feel so numb.
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[6-4-07 at 7pm] |
I can't believe we are almost half way through this year! What the hell! I'm behind on theory...but then again I always am! Hahaha.
I've been going to the gym and have been the sore-est ever for weeks now, but after seeing 28weeks I have no choice...I need to be able to out run the zombies!
My art is exploding, in ways most people find appalling....this makes me happy...and poor!
Men are still non-existent in my life, for a multitude of reasons; I really need to get into a head space where I allow love in or this sad tale that is my life my go on forever.
I will be doing more gigs late this month with new jokes…scary!
I am working at an awesome comedy venue called Dockside; I even get to DJ…well press play and turn lights on…ha-ha.
I’ve decided my next move is New York, mainly for the limestone buildings and yellow cabs. That wont be for a while do to hopefully getting into Uni next year!
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[4-23-07 at 8pm] |
Post a comment and I'll..
1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with a song/film/tv show.
3 - Tell a random fact about you.
4 - Tell a first memory about you.
5 - Associate you with a character/pairing.
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
8 - In return please spread this disease in your LJ.
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[3-26-07 at 12am] |
I hate everyone and everything!
Everything we do seems...No, IS pointless!
Every problem you have doesn't matter, every achivement means nothing.
I just can't stand it sometimes, but I can't tear myself away from living.
I want to! Sometimes I think I might be able, but then I can't because curiosity of what tomorrow will bring keeps me fixated like a rabbit about to be hit by a truck, only the truck doesn't hit me, it just goes over the top and I sit there wishing it hit me yet feeling somewhat relieved it didn't
The more knowledge I consume the more lost, fragile and small I become.
Nothing I do will change the future, nothing as a collective species will either, nothing in our history matters, we continually make the same mistakes regardless of what logic we have on hand.
It dosen't matter though, we aren't doomed, we just are what we are, insignificant.
I am sitting in a room, what the hell is a room? why has it become so important for me to sit in rooms?
I'm typing thoughts out for everyone to read, if they choose, when did I become so self-important? When did we lose our secret inner voice?
When those late night adds come on tv, the ones where the girls talk sexy and ask you to ring them I think two things:
1) its a government run organisation and they are culling the people who actually use these services because they must be suffering from some kind of mental illness.
or
2) They are promoting the concept that females are objects and as such should have warnings on the bottom of the ad saying something like "will cause you to never be able to interact with real human female, and most female mammals.
I know its the later though, they make to much money off people being loney and mental to cull them.
Being a junkie seems like the smart answer, if only it was legal, people could just sit around eating corn and shooting up. In the end you finnish the same, you die, that simple, nothing more, no looking back on your achivements, they mean nothing.
I'm a vegetarian, but its doing nothing for the world, becuase they are still farming more animals then we can eat, they are still polluting the world faster then it can maintain.
Who the fuck are "THEY"?
The only soloutions in my mind are so inhuman...
When I think about it long enough the only solution is to destroy the world...and we are already doing that...
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| SMS - the new acronym for pain. |
[2-28-07 at 11pm] |
SMS can make communication easy, you can send a simple message from anywhere to anyone, and they can get back to you within seconds.
They make asking that boy you like out easier; you no longer have to work up the nerve to talk to him on the phone. It gives the boy you like easier access to reject you also.
It makes rejection easy for the rejecter, and terminally painful for the rejected. The rejecter can opt for the no reply method of rejection, while the rejected opts for the maybe one more text will change there mind method of painful self torture.
Tonight I sunk to a new low, a few days ago I asked a boy out via SMS, which yes is low enough in its own right, but after 3 days no reply I SMSed him again.
I should have just written “Hey you didn’t SMS me back, I figure that’s rejection. I’m sending this message just to make sure, don’t message back if I’m right, which I am, but I’m sending it anyway…ps just stuck my hands into my rib cage to crush my heart, no need to come over and do it yourself” instead I wrote something close to the sounds of “hey I realise you don’t like me, but if you ever want a mat to wipe your feet on, I’m totally up for it”
What did I learn from this? I have no idea what’s going on in any mans head. I shouldn’t sms anything I can’t ring up and say to someone, and I shouldn’t ring someone and say anything I can’t say to their face.
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[2-2-07 at 6pm] |
I am feeling alittle like I have a whole lot of past and experience, but none of it seems to be what I need at the moment.
I like a guy, and I am trying not to let it slip by.
I don't know whether I like him more then the others I have let slip by or, wether I just don't want to carry on with this routine of never letting anyone close enough to hurt me, but in exhange keeping myself in a numb limbo of lonleyness.
I only know him from work. He is funny, intelligent, hard working and weird. We have alot of fun, but I might be verging on making a friendship with him, which in my experiance is bad, you end up just watching them fall in love with everyone around you while you wonder why you suck so hard.
I am the only one around me not moving forward in these matters and its quite upsetting and a little awkward.
Is my search for perfection going to make me die alone? I want something that wont end. If its going to end I don't want to start it.
This is the first night I have been home in a while I am so tired i need to sleep but all i want to do go out, even if its by myself.
Perfection isn't saying i'm looking for some gene modifide human, I just mean perfect for me. I don't want to settle for work really hard, hop on one leg every third day, change myself to suit them, lead a double life late at night and it might possiblly work type thing.
other then that my life is rocking hard, Comedy is going great, Art is going fantastic, Friends are Brilliant and I am getting along with my family well.
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[12-17-06 at 3am] |
Why am I still feeling the pull of Sydney?
I hate it so much, I have such a good life up here, why can't I be satisfied, its so fucked, I am not apart of Sydney, I wish I was, I stand on the edge pretending I still am, but I’m not, perhaps I never was, why do I feel so restless?
I have a good thing, friends, cars, comedy, art...its not enough...will anything ever be enough?
Am I someone who will take forever? Will there be no point which I say; wow here it is "happiness".
My mind is trying to live a fairy tale, it wont except anything but that fairy tale, yet nothing in my life even comes close to a fairytale, nothing even suggests a fairytale is a good option.
I love humans; I love their addictions, their failures, their mistakes, smell, sound and sight. Why can't I accept I am one of them and love it? I know I am human, when it comes to judging me, I judge on such superficial fucked up premises. I couldn’t even explain the shit I beat myself up over, they aren’t worth beating myself up over but I do it anyway…I hate that I have all this knowledge but don’t use it, I don’t know how to use it or maybe living like this is comfortable and taking another step is to scary…I know but I don’t.
I see new friendships as this high energy chase and dance, its thrilling, no real emotions, just billions of excited molecules figuring each other out, as emotions start evolving and mingling my energy fades, I can’t explain it. Yet I try anyway.
I want to be in, The in is a place I feel free, but grounded, people around me I’m satisfied with, doing things I am satisfied with, propelling forward faster and louder then anyone has before. I say I too much, this life I lead is all about me. I have lived like this forever, and because I’m not satisfied I have decided that living for someone else would be more satisfying but because life for me is about me, the thought of stepping out of my bubble for someone else would probably shatter my existence. So I am stuck here, unsatisfied, but unwilling to change.
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| oh its nearly finnished |
[12-1-06 at 5pm] |
These are the results of my Symbolism assignment...see if you can guess what they mean.
And a very unfinnished painting...or a very just started one.
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